(almost) forty-year-old freshman

 

and so she did......

and so she decided to start her undergrad six months before her 4oth birthday. Mostly in person, while working a full-time job.

People gave her looks, people laughed, people wished her luck. People encouraged her, people helped her, people hugged her. She felt all the emotions, every single one. (Almost) forty-year-old freshman. 

She is me. 

 

I have the opportunity to attend school at the university I am employed with. I have always wanted to go to college. Truth is, I planned to go after High School, but then life happened. Marriage, military move, babies, divorce, working 3-4 jobs at a time and moving back home. It just wasn't in my cards. 

I applied for college more than five times, got accepted into nursing school, but never went. I always found an excuse, always. Another year passed by, where it was just a thought.  A thought that came in, excited me for about a day, and then the excuses piled back up.

Until one day, I really ran out of excuses. I could not even make any up. I could not even find any that sounded half-way legit. 

 

This past winter, I volunteered to help with Winter Commencement, honestly, I had never been to a college graduation, so I didn't know what to expect. A small, private university's commencement ceremony wouldn't be so bad. What I didn't know is that this hour or so ceremony, was the cherry on top that would change my life. I watched students whose parents were Alumni, students who double majored, students who achieved their master's degree, students who left and came back fifteen, even twenty years later to finish their degree, students who were first generation college students cross that stage and watching their family screaming and cheering with pure pride and excitement. It was just what I needed to convince myself to STOP MAKING EXCUSES. and so, she did...... she made the decision to stop making excuses that day that held her back from being better. 

She is me. 

 

A week later, I applied. I was anxious. I wrote my essay, went through the whole process. I will never ever forget when I got accepted, a member of the Admissions team came up to my office and hugged me, excitement in his face, handed me my acceptance package and told me how proud of me he was. I cried. He did not have to do that, but he did. He knew how important this was to me. It was on from there. I was determined. I was ready. Finally. 

Working full time in our Marketing and Communications department, I already knew some of the faculty and majority of all of the staff, as well as a good handful of students. Ask anyone, I was a little over eager and on top of working 40 plus hours a week, volunteering, being a mom, wife and friend, I decided to take ten course hours my first semester. Three classes of which were in person and one online.  Let me be real, I got through it, barely. By the hair on my chin, and for a while, I really did not think I would. It was fine, everything was fine. Even though most days, I felt it wasn't. It was incredibly stressful, I did not get sleep, I cried, I screamed, I thought about quitting.... but I didn't. I reminded myself, that I was capable! I reached out for help, I went to office hours, I had to seek encouragement from other staff, faculty and even students to get me through. It helped. And I do not regret it for one minute. 

 

I will be the first to admit, Algebra, that totally sucked. I could not wait for it to be over. I loved my professors, but man, I hate math so much.  Towards the end of the semester, my motto was, "D's get degrees", and that is what I was banking on. I just needed a D to pass. I was so mad that was my mindset, but I just could not grasp it.  I think my math professors, just wanted to get me out of their classes (not really, but maybe). My professors were so patient, so kind and kept pushing me. I think they really understood that I had to re-learn everything I was taught 25 years ago, and this was NOT easy for me, but that D sure made me happy last week. Counting my blessings for those professors and that damn D. 

 

Art was online, and it was Art. I need six hours, and it was an easy three. 

 

Then there was Theology. The only way I know how to describe this class is...

Life Changing.

Game Changer.

Pushed beyond limits.

I wish I had the right words to describe what this class meant to me or what I learned, but no words can come close. Yes, Dr. K taught academic theology, but she also taught us how to think beyond what we have been "taught", to listen to others more carefully, to reach inside ourselves and evaluate not only who we are, but who we want to be known for. There were days I would leave class, and I had to go for a walk, before going back to the office, I had a to take that  little walk to recover from all the information that was given or shut my door and pray because God is good and I needed the time for reflection. This class was made up of such a diverse group of students- a coach, athletes, veterans, very introverted students, late twenty-year-old mamas and then there was me. I will always laugh at some of the questions students asked me in this class, " Do we call you Karina or Ms. Karina?", " Wait, you work here?", " Wow, how old are you?",

" Dang, Ms., you have kids?" " What do you mean you worked during Spring Break? You didn't do anything fun?", " You never went to college?", and the list goes on. It was my encouragement and inspiration. 

I sat in the very back against the wall. It was such an interesting class. At first, I observed, I watched these students who were the same age as my own kids interact, talk about their faith, listen to how they were raised, listen to the hurt in their voices because some of their family didn't believe in who they want to be, watched how they found their voices to speak up and speak strong, watched how they were finding a safe space in this class. Before too long, I started to give my own thoughts, I started to speak up. Many stories resonated with me, some more a gut check than others. It was a grim reminder of how my own childhood and early adulthood was, but also, it made me think as a mother. Did I raise my boys right? Did I do all I could? Did I allow them to have their own space and own thoughts enough? Did I give them the opportunity to be themselves or did I force them to be someone I wanted them to be? Questions that lived in my brain on a daily basis. 

This was not your ordinary Theology class, it was a class that put you in your place every single day. Someone before us lived a similar story, someone before us fought a battle we have faced, are facing or will face in our lifetime. Someone before us, somewhere, fought for what we believe in, how we live day to day and how we continue to live. 

I am sure the other professors who teach this class are just as great. However, this class, this professor, changed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to explain. 

 

She is a mom, a wife, a full-time employee, an avid volunteer, a coffee addict and a FIRST-GENERATION college student. She is me. 

If it wasn't for my best friend, my team, the staff on campus and all the encouraging words, I would have failed at this. 

 

My faith may not be what it was years ago, I may not go to church as often as I should, or pray as often as I should, but what I believe to my core is that God has a plan and place for everything in life. God had His hand in putting me at this university, first as a staff member and then as a student. I cannot wait to see where I go from here. 

 

I leave you with this quote as I start my next semester of my undergrad, (one month away from entering in the 40 year old decade).....

“If you really want to do it, you do it. There are no excuses.” —Bruce Nauman

 

....and so she did..... do something, she never thought she would do. 

she is me.